All I will let them take is my paycheque

Today I must face the finality of something I have not had to deal with in my 53 years of life. Today I am being “officially” told by my employer of 22 years that my employment is being terminated. I’ve known that this inevitability has been coming no for weeks and although I have struggled and come to terms with the economic impact on my family, I’m still battling the emotional and psychological impact of this experience.

Working and learning have always been important to me. My lifetime of work has shaped who I am and had a positive impact on my life experience. Without a vocation my life would be incomplete. In some ways I believe that work is and can be a life sustaining force. Maybe that’s why my emotional journey through this has been so surprising to me.

It is has been to proverbial roller coaster of emotions for me. At first it was denial and disbelief,and then came anger followed by the sadness. Hindsight clearly demonstrates that I have been actively grieving for months now, which is something that is not foreign to me. What is troubling to me is how at times I’ve been consumed with self-doubt. There are days when my self-worth and self-confidence have been seriously challenged. I continue to question many of my skills and abilities and often feel inadequate. For some reason I struggle with the belief that I am responsible for my situation when cognitively I know I’m not.

While in my mind I know that I will be the same person tomorrow and that my god given gift will still be there, my motivation to push forward is at times less than desired because of questions that linger. Am I a failure, a loser or no longer worthy of work? Again when I’m thinking rationally none of these apply.

I’m realizing that what I’m experiencing now has been experienced by millions around the world and I now stand in solidarity with them. I’m learning that although my work is very important to me it does not define me or my worth. I’m also learning that I can’t surrender power to an then employer because of some random decision taken by them to prematurely end my career as who has power over me is a decision that is fully in my control.

So I will continue to move forward as I must. I will retake control of my destiny and do I what I do best. Work for me and for those I love. I will find a way to make a lasting contribution because no employer can take away my humanity, dignity and purpose along with my paycheque.